annidote

Again

It’s finally almost time again. In less than 4 days, MCAT. I’ve been slaving away studying for once again THE worst exam ever. This year, I’m taking the exam on my actual birthday, so I’m hoping it’s the luckiest day yet. I know it seems like every other post is me talking about studying for MCAT or how it’s the last stretch-almost test day, blah blah. And you know what? It’s probably true. It really does feel like all I do is study for this effing daym exam. Often people will ask me what I’m doing, and I’d say “studying” “Oh for what?” “MCAT” And that often follows with, “I thought you took that already or you’re still studying for it?” Yes, I’ve taken it already and yes, I’m still studying for it and yes, I’m taking it AGAIN. People probably are thinking, “This girl should give up already, studying for this exam all the time. All she does is study, study, study, probably has no life. She needs to relax”. I would like to say I do have a life…when I’m not studying haha. But the thing is, I don’t mind because the thing is I didn’t choose the easy path. I chose the hard path. The easy path would have been to just give up—no more studying, no more worrying, no more stress and perhaps going down a different, maybe “simpler” career path. But that’s easy to do. Easy is no fun. I want a challenge. Make it worth it. I chose the hard path and I’m chasing my dream.

And dreams are worth it. 

that smile

My brother has been acting up lately. He had two episodes today-or so we call, tantrums-it can consist of him being silent and standing there, maybe ripping some paper to throwing whatever he can grab or pushing someone. I I get really stressed out and upset when he has these episodes. Seeing him through a tantrum immediately gets me stressed out. I’m sure my parents get stressed out as well, but they certainly handle it better than I do. They’re so strong and I admire them so much for what they go through and what they do. As he goes through these episodes, we wait there frustrated and upset and all mixes of emotions, until he’s himself again. Sometimes he gets aggressive, but only very occasionally. His aggressive behavior is under pretty good control with his medication. Towards the end of his episodes, he usually ends up crying, holding his face in his hands standing there or sitting there crying. All I want to do is hug him because I know he doesn’t want to throw these tantrums, he just doesn’t know how to express himself and is probably the most frustrated of all. It’s getting a little more difficult though because he is getting bigger and starting to go through puberty, which means raging hormones. We know it will get worse before it gets better. When I see him crying, almost helpless, I want to cry to-but I don’t because I want to be strong. Because I know he feels bad for what he did, for whatever he broke, for whatever pain he caused. He probably doesn’t even know why he did what he did. But when he calms down, and the storm has past, he smiles again. He goes about his business and starts laughing again. That smile that comes from within, that smile that makes his eyes so small you can’t see them anymore, that smile that bunches up his rosy cheeks, that smile from ear to ear showing his imperfect teeth. Well that smile, just makes me smile. It reminds me the joy little things can bring, the joy he brings me and it reminds me how radiant he is. It reminds me that the better will come.  

Jeremy Lin.

I have nothing else to say.